AHA...2012

Happy New Year and may …blah blah blah…!

At 00:35 this morning I had my first epiphany! Pretty bloody impressive, I thought. I find the best epiphanies occur either when I’m really tired or in the shower.

Only 35 minutes into 2012 I realised that life is not for attending. Life is for making an effort. If you just want to attend, you should have been an animal, cause that’s what they do. Animals just are, they want to survive and everything they do is with that goal in mind. But we are special, we are human, we have big brains and we have the ability to choose.

The second last day of 2011 was a tough one. We had a road trip with seven people crammed into my station wagon. My six year old green with motion sickness and granddad (that suffers from fear of heights…and I mean this is real fear, not the kind where somebody proclaims a fear of heights, but it is merely a dislike for heights…I’m talking about the kind of fear that prevents the man from getting up two steps on a ladder) pale with anxiety as we zigzagged through the mountain pass to get to our destination. The trip back was just as eventful as siblings started getting annoyed with one another and you start wondering what were you thinking when you decided to have more than one child. What’s with that stupid philosophy?? We don’t want little Joey to grow up an only child…he would be so happy to have a little sister. BULSHIT!!! Joey would love to be an only child…he would love to lap up all the attention and love his parents, grandparents and who the hell ever want to bestow upon him. He would love to inherit the entire trust fund, instead of sharing it with an annoying bratty sister!

 Anyway…road trip. It was at this point that the teasing and hair pulling got out of hand and I decided to re-arrange seating in the car. I ended up in the BOOT with my 4 year old. The air circulation in my car stops at the passenger seats and the height requirements for my boot was not meant for a 40 year old woman. At this point, all the vehicles behind us are having a giggle at this idiot mom sitting with her kid in the boot of the car. I recon my husband also felt the mocking stares and insisted that I take over the wheel, he is feeling a little sleepy, he claims. Another round of musical car chairs ensued and off we were. About 10 min into my turn at the wheel, the tyre blew out! Really…are you shitting me? It was at this point that I allowed autopilot to kick in, that’s where even Momzilla sits quietly in the corner and shuts the F%*k up.

We finally got home physically in one piece, but mentally completely frayed and coming undone at the seams. That’s when hubby took one look at his close-to-a-nervous-breakdown wife and cancelled all future plans. No New Years Eve party, no family visit for a few days into the New Year, no social commitments until mom gets her marbles back.

Needless to say yesterday I felt like a turd. I was disappointed in myself and felt that people would never understand that we changed our minds about having them over. People will think that we are being funny or rude or just indecisive. What people will not know is that it has nothing to do with them; it’s about me putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect mom, the perfect hostess and creating the perfect life. Our circumstances have changed dramatically the last year and nothing can and will ever be the same or even remotely close to perfect. We cannot do the things that appear effortless and normal as a family. Our family is different and very taxing. We have to live with the limitations and a new reality that will make our lives sane and fulfilling.

This is still not the epiphany I had…it’s the build up to the epiphany!

So yesterday afternoon I’m feeling glum and annoyed that it is New Years Eve and all my great plans to have a fabulous party is canned. I’m wearing my old house dress. (The one you wear when you decide not to put on make-up or a bra for the day. The one that hangs in the bathroom and gets worn three times before it goes into the wash.) I  realised that it is the same dress I wore last year at New Years eve when I also decided to have a low-key, no-effort, evening. And then I got 1/2 of the “aha-moment”. This is not right!!!! I will not go into 2012 looking and feeling like crap. I excused myself and retreated to my room all wilted and defeated and resurfaced fresh as a daisy. Party-dress, mascara and lipstick! I felt awkward, but within a few minutes hubby, the kids and my in-laws followed suit. I made paryt snacks and took out the champagne and we had an incredible evening, laughing, joking and having fun.

This was the ding-dong moment I had only minutes into 2012: Life is not for attending; life is for making an effort. However small the effort, it has an impact. It changes the people around us and it influences the outcome of events. So put on your best dress and make your world pretty, smile for the camera and change how your story ends.

Why kids ruin your life!

You wake up every Monday morning with the novel idea of taking control of your eating habits. Cut down on those pesky carbs and up the fruit & veg. intake. This lasts until about 7:30 am…when you’re making school lunches and the bread crusts lie cut-off ready to be disposed of. BUT instead of the bin, or the dogs bowl they end up down your pie-hole. The same goes for left over macaroni cheese, French fries, spaghetti and basically any other calorie laden food source which your kid doesn’t want to eat… Kids make you fat!

You wake up on a Saturday morning with the charming idea of taking the family out for the day. Other people do it, why couldn’t you? A children friendly venue is decided upon, all kid paraphernalia is packed and the critters even have shoes on. You feel happy and privileged to have such a lovely life. This lasts until your 6 year old starts complaining of stomach pains, which always happen when the car leaves a 2km perimeter out of town. The stomach pains are actually motion sickness, and for the millionth time you make a mental note to give the kid a pill next time you venture out. That’s when the 4 year old gets bored with whatever electronic device he’s been handed to keep him busy and starts dogging on his sister. This is also the point where you give up trying to listen to the soul enriching tunes of James Blunt and pop in Best of Disney Soundtracks. The fact that there are 30 tracks on the disc is irrelevant, because the four year old only listens to number 12,Hakuna Matata. At this point the 17 year old is hoping dad drives into a tree to put an end to the circus that is his family... Kids drive you crazy!

You decide to organise a play date for your 6 year old daughter. After 30 minutes of undressing every single Barbie and unpacking every single book, toy and puzzle things turn sour and the playmate comes whining that your precious little angel doesn’t want to play any more. At which point you use your “public speaking voice” (the one you use in front of other people, so they think you are a nice, decent person) to explain to your child that she has to be considerate of her friend’s needs. 15 min later and the whining continues about not wanting to share. Now the “authoritive voice” (the one you use when you want your kid to pay attention and be obedient, aka the voice your kid ignores) explains to your child all about taking turns. 5 min later the play friend comes in crying that she was hit in the head with a Barbie and wants to go home. Now Momzilla surfaces and directs the attention to the play friend: “Well maybe if you didn’t whine so much, you wouldn’t get hit in the head…get your stuff!”...Kid’s make you mean!

Your kid is sick. You sit up most of the night holding their bodies next to yours so you can gauge if they have a temperature or not. You clean up vomit and shit 3 times and eventually run out of clean linen. You end up on the couch watching Peppa Pig DVD’s from 5pm, waiting for the doctor’s offices to open. You worry and hope it's nothing serious.....Kids make you a parent!

Ho Ho Hold it!

Christmas came late to the Blackie household this year. Due to reasons uncertain, I found it very 

hard to get into the ho ho ho spirit. In years gone by our tree was up and decorated by December 

1st and most of my Christmas shopping done. The freezer would be stocked and menus planned, 

all in anticipation of the wonder that is Christmas.

But things are different this year. I found it hard to go shopping when my loved ones needed or 

wanted for nothing. I found myself completely indifferent to Christmas this year. It's been a trying 

year, filled with life changing news and decisions. I found myself collapsing into bed most nights 

only to wake still feeling exhausted. I needed some perspective, a dash of reality and firm dose of 

taking a hard look in the mirror.

I turned 40 this year and maybe there is truth in the idea that wisdom lies in age. I said goodbye 

to some of the obsessive compulsions that had me chasing my own tail for years. I started being 

creative...making stuff, beautiful things that made me feel good. I checked the baggage at the 

door and said bon voyage! I gave up booze, religion and recycling. I stopped the bullshit that we 

tell ourselves to get through the day. Maybe the Christmas spirit isn't a little late this year, maybe 

this whole year has been Christmas, filled with the gifts money can't buy. Yes there are such 

things; we find it under personal growth, isle 7. 

Sitting here, sipping my coffee, our rooster just walked by with his 4 chicks. (As in baby 

chickens…not entourage.) They are nice and big now, something I did not see happening. We 

have 4 cats and when the little chicks hatched I worried that they would be picked off one by 

one...now almost 3 months later and they are almost crown chickens. Their dad was vigilant and 

they stuck with him day and night. In the beginning you would see a cat dart across the 

lawn...followed by one pissed off rooster, until our fury friends got the message. The point is that 

it is in our nature to survive, obstacles get in our way, but we manage to get past them and 

survive. 

So put on your Santa hat, slap the rooster in the oven and say Ho Ho Ho! It’s Christmas baby!

F for Family

It’s been a trying week…and it’s only Monday!

My brother, whom I consider to be reasonably close to, is being a bit of a dork. Maybe it’s because I said his kid is a nasty little bitch, maybe it’s because I confronted his wife with his daughter’s bad behaviour and now she’s not speaking to me or maybe it’s because they are socially inept.

Why does family bother me so much? Why do I always feel disappointed at the level of reciprocation I get when making an effort? And boy can I make an effort! I think we get raised in the same pack, by the same parents and therefore believe we must have the same interests and goals. This period only lasts for about 18 years and when you hit your 40’s your family have now lived apart from you longer than with you and that is when you start asking yourself: “Who are these people? I can’t believe we are related! He/She were never like that!” Then you add to it that your siblings now have their own partners and offspring to care for and you have a recipe for instant dislike and conflict.

I have very little contact with my family other than my siblings. Both my parents died a while ago, so there’s very little bond between myself and my kin. Is that what we do? We tolerate family for the sake of somebody we love? I loved my dad and when he died I saw very little point of continuing a relationship with his family or even his wife. Would the same happen with my in-laws? If my sister, brother or husband passed away, would I still have a relationship with their families? Do I want to? What made me choose a partner that comes from a pack that I find so hard to bond with?

It’s the festive season, a time for false smiles and two-faced cheer…or do I really love the necklace my brother’s wife bought me??? It’s a time for tolerance and biting your lip. It’s a time to say thank you…it only comes around once a year!