The blog, Dreams, was written a years ago. At the time we were still under the impression that our son has Attention Deficit Disorder. In May 2011 our then 3 year old was diagnosed with Autism. Becoming familiar with the subject we soon discovered many red flags concerning our eldest son. We had him assessed and at 17 our son was diagnosed with Aspergers.
Being diagnosed on the spectrum changed my relationship with my first born. For the first time in 17 years I understood. I could let go of all the guilt and anger towards him and just love him. I understood all the enigmas that always surrounded him and I could start the long and slow journey of getting to know a son that was living in my care for all these years, but whom I never really saw.
Dreams…
All I ever wanted was for my kids were to be smart. The looks weren't that important, but
they had to be intelligent. I was young and single when my first son was born, and very
ignorant to the realities of raising a child.
After two weeks of breastfeeding the poor child was malnourished and weighed less than at birth.
We switched to formula and he was OK. By 18 months I noticed his inability to hold his bottle and
shrugged it off, thinking that he's probably a little spoilt. At age two his speech was delayed and
understanding him was nearly impossible. An assessment pointed out that he had low muscle tone,
which could be improved with occupational therapy and speech therapy. Not being able to suckle
properly, his little hands not holding his bottle and his poor speech was all due to this muscle tone
problem that I was now addressing. So I thought.
In grade R an assessor at his preschool felt that he was not yet developmentally prepared for
school, and recommended an intense O.T. program to assist him before the completion of his
preschool year. I wasn't concerned, because I new the origin of his problem, the low muscle tone
was the culprit. He had poor pencil grip and poor speech, which O.T. was going to sort out.
At the end of grade 1, his teacher requested a meeting with the headmaster. She felt that our
son was not achieving the required goals as set out for his grade and identified symptoms of
Attention Deficit Disorder. It was briefly explained as hyperactivity causing an inability to focus.
The headmaster comforted us by recommending a more "technical" field, where he could
work with his hands. He added that there are a few alternative schooling options as well.
Tafelberg, which is a school that caters for a number of disorders, including severe mental
retardation, was suggested. I was furious. Herman couldn't believe the audacity these people had.
Forming an opinion based on no assessment, no specialist input and recommending "he go work
with his hands". We were insulted and angry.
My dream of having a smart kid that would excel at academics, receive certificates and book prizes, were shattered... And so our journey began. The first thing that struck me was the inability of
doctors and therapist to diagnose Attention Deficit Disorder. Every single person that we saw, every single assessment and test was met with the same inconclusive, wishy washy diagnosis.
The child shows signs of difficulty with concentration and focus. His reading and writing skills
are below the required level for his age…blah blah blah. NOBODY wanted to say: Your son has ADD! It was the most frustrating obstacle we faced. The second problem that completely did my head in was the lack of knowledge teachers and educators had about a disorder, that according to statistics were affecting 10% of learners. That meant that in a class of 30, roughly 3 children possibly are candidates for ADD.
We decided to hold back on the medication for as long as possible, or at least until he was older.
At 13 he went on prescription medication, which made a world of difference. BUT it changed him! I
am pro-medication, for goodness sake if you have diabetes, you WILL take insulin. Why would you
not take medication that can help you? Here’s why:
ON MEDS: my son is better able to manage his thoughts and impulses. He is sullen and not very
talkative. He appears disinterested and not motivated by anything, he never gets excited about
anything. He is short tempered and very irritable. He cannot stand his sibling sister.
OFF MEDS: my son is under my feet all the time, he is chatty and funny. He cannot focus on
anything and talks about the most irrelevant nonsense imaginable. He is silly and friendly and plays
with his siblings, without any hassles.
The choice is not that obvious any more!
The mom of an ADD child told me the other day: I don’t know who my real daughter is. Is it the disorder that makes her this care free little girl that has funny quirks and amuses us,or is it the
serious,quiet child whose disorder symptoms are calmed by medication? We all want our children to
be the best they can be, to find their true self. But who is the true Aiden and am I helping him to be
who he is? Our son is 16 this year. He has no friends, he never goes out, and he plays no sport
and has no extramural activities that interest him long enough, to become good at. On a Saturday
night he went to a braai with his parents and the hostess was shocked that he wasn’t out partying
with his friends. Other people have to constantly tell me how wonderful my son is and it saddens
me every day that other people have to point it out.
He goes to mainstream school and has managed to do so without too many issues. I
often wonder if he is happy and has asked him on many occasions. He says yes, but I’m
never entirely convinced.
